last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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