guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
