Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
