I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
