There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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