I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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