everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish you could order shots online.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
