ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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