I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
