just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
