I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
