can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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