party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
