Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this will be a night to untag.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
