i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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