I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
