Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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