"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
