Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
