Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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