I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
