It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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