your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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