You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
