farters have to be the big spoon...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
