Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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