the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
