He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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