I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
