Your tits are I can't wait for
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You need Xanax blowdarts
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
