is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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