I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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