6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You're like the curious george of whores
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
