She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
