I just pynch a tree in the face
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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