Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize