She just used a chaser for red wine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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