I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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