yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize