I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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