He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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