He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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