The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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