3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
