Betty ford says i'm here all night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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