just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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