then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize