I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
