Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
