he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize