If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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