I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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