she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
