dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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