Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
