An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
