do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
