last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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