My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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