Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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