Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
